How do you deal with your past? Some embrace it, while others completely ignore it. The past is what has shaped us into the people we are today. So it must be important, right? Sure. Throughout our lives, we all face trials and tribulations that recreate us constantly. We can call these underlying points in our lives "initiations." As we continue to grow, we are all initiated as a preparation for who we are meant to become.
These initiations can be subtle eye openers, or major life changing events. These events aren't always easy, actually almost never. We experience situations that make us stronger. Let's compare ourselves to any muscle in the human body. In order to make a muscle stronger, it is first worn out till exhaust, torn down, THEN repaired stronger than it was before. In order to be truly prepared for what we are meant to face, we must be broken down completely, and rebuilt as a new.
I have seen it in myself, and I continue to see it in others. Sometimes, these initiations can be so detrimental of who we thought we were, we get lost in the terror of what's to come, and in mourning of who we wanted to be. We get caught up in our overwhelming emotions, we get stuck. Our progress comes to a plateau. Fixating on the destruction that was just experienced can turn into depression and helplessness.
For example, when my entire belief system failed me (something I'm sure I will go into greater detail later on) my second semester in college I began questioning my own life plans. My cookie cutter plans began to distort very quickly. I was lucky enough to have such great support financially from my parents, but it was almost like an anchor to keep me where they wanted me. I began to feel trapped, and the free spirit inside me began kicking and screaming.
The kicking and screaming led me on an exploration of the world. Such exploration I managed to drop out of college, piss my entire family off, and lose all the financial and emotional support I had. My perfect plan slipped down the drain right in front of my eyes. Having no help financially, having no idea what step to take next, I felt lost and helpless. The reality of life slapped me in the face. Having to look for a job, a place to live, and a ride everywhere I needed to go drained me. In reality, I was just learning basic survival skills, something I had never been shown being a spoon fed spoiled brat growing up.
I spent a whole year thinking I was on this journey alone, before my family and I met in the middle. During this time I learned how deceitful people can be to get what they want from you. I learned how selfish many people in this world are. I learned what it's like to be alone. I learned how easy it is to escape your reality through substance abuse. I learned how it felt to be a worthless human being, having absolutely nothing to offer the world. I learned, truly, how difficult it is to work for the things you want. I learned what it's like to no longer want to be alive.
Drowning in my anxiety, sadness, hurt, and fear I realized I had two options. Sink or swim. In order to be a swimmer, YOU HAVE TO let go of the things that no longer serve you you. This doesn't mean ignore all that you have witnessed, this means simply seeing the good in the bad. The Yin in the Yang. Accepting your past as the truth, not allowing it to hold you back, but only to push you forward.
I see that year, not as a year wasted, but a year leaning how the world really works. I learned how to read people's intentions with me. I learned how to be a selfless giver, because I would never want anyone in this world to feel like they are on their journey completely alone. Being alone, I learned to break all co-dependent habits. I learned that sometimes, being alone, is what is necessary in your success. You are your own hero. How can you expect anyone else to do something for you, if you won't stand up and do it for yourself? I learned how to live life in moderation, knowing there was never a true escape from my reality. In order to conquer your biggest fears, you must first accept they exists. I learned what a hard worker I really am, and how I can truly do anything I put my mind to. And most importantly, I learned who I wanted to be, how to live life on the edge, and how to form my life into exactly what I wanted it to be.
This is what I carry with me today. I let go of all of the negative aspects of any experience, not because they don't exist, but because they are always transformed into something greater. This initiation transformed me into someone very beautiful. I truly believe without this situation I would not be who I am today. Today I am grateful for the air that runs through my lungs. I am thankful for having all of the great opportunities I've had and continue to have. I am so very grateful for my family who continue to do their best to understand my needs and my outlook on the world. I am grateful for the knowledge I now have that couldn't have been taught to me in school.
Your initiations only play out to lead you towards your highest self. It is your choice to sink or swim. Let go of all that holds you back, and see the light in all of it. See the beauty of what the world really has to offer, and go get it. You are a divine being worthy of having and becoming all that you want. Even when the future seems unclear, trust yourself, and trust the universe that there is something miraculous waiting for you on the other side. It is all up to you to find it.
